I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
