So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
