I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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