I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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