why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
