Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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