So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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