I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
The beers last night were like the tears from god
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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