i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
