Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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