I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
