It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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