Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
