The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
God I need to hump something, right now.
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