i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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