Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
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I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
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I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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