Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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