why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
