he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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