Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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