The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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