I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i just made my gag reflex go away.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
