I accidentally had phone sex last night
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
