Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
