You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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