I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
