If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
BRING THE BAGELS
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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