and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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