There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
