My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
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There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
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Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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