I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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