After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
