We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
