Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
