Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
