One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Randomize
