what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
