I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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