There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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