Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
be right there i have to get my cape
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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