yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
