If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Randomize
