I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.