Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
