You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
