I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
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