I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
