This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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