I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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