I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
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When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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