I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
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The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
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We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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