i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
