Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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