I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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