we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
