Only a mothe r could love this liver
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
