I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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