Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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