I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Randomize
