GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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